Cum one, cum all, to the poker extravaganza of epic proportions where the most vivid and wildest dreams cum true.
The cold, wintery night on the plains of West Texas began as a group of pathetic panhandlers embarked on a begging spree for cock. They were on gay.com, Manhunt, Adam4Adam, MySpace, Fuckbook, MSN, Yahoo!, The AARP Hookup, and, of course, Hamster Chat questing for nude men with meat curtains able to be tenderized (and at least semi-erect schlongs). These unscrupulous, filthy, swine bitches even hovered around a screensaver to fulfill their animalistic thirst for “zee cawk“. A new image every thirty seconds was all they needed to sustain a functional level of living. While searching, Jeff received a message on his Adam4Adam account saying, “Your dreams will come true tonight. See you in five.” The group looked at Jeff and gave him high fives, because the picture revealed it was an 18 year old with a 12” cock and face resembling Mario Lopez. Jeff got his best pair of unlicked boots on and perked up as the group finally severed themselves from the computer hookup line. Chris switched from the computer to his iPhone to fill his insatiable appetite. Mesmerized with the fat sausage on his screen, a text message suddenly appeared from an anonymous number… “This is your night, stud.” Devin and Ish received a private chat while on Webcam, this time not asking to be sexual with each other. “Fifty stars to you… See you in a min.” One by one, each member of TNP received peculiar messages… What had happened? All hookup resources in a 600 mile radius had been dried and depleted by at least one member of the group long, long ago. Did they suddenly “bring sexy back?” No, no… All answers would soon be revealed.
Tap, tap, tap…All eyes turned toward the magnet encrusted front door.
Jeff’s palms were sweaty, could this be the hookup of a lifetime?
No. No… even better.The door swung open, revealing a beautiful woman with utters for tits and a saggy ass.
YIPPIE!
“I AM THE BITCHDOCTOR!” said the fierce snatch. She explained with a sinister look in her eyes that tonight’s TNP would be a little bit different… Every queer must make a wish, and the winning slut will receive their dream.
Could it be? Our very own fag hag was holding out mystic capabilities?
Well, she explained that after reading Harry Potter and experiencing magical Asian sex, she decided to develop skills in the dark arts. Tonight would be the night she revealed once and for all the almighty power of the snatch to her gay comrades. Let’s see what happens when their biggest dream is on the line…
Jeff always craved the simple life, a man to love next to him, 2.5 dogs, and a nice lump sum from the Texas lotto. Upon his tragic first elimination, Jeff’s phone rang. “This is Mario Lopez, I’ve seen your Myspace, and I want you so badly. After I’ve gained all this money playing the lottery, I bought 2.5 dogs. But, what I really need is a distinguished man to love and be my father figure. I am at the Rick Husband Amarillo Airport, waiting for you.” Jeff’s jaw dropped lower than when he deep-throats nude young men. He stood up, changed his soiled pants, and drove in a frenzy to the airport without even saying goodbye. After stopping at a rest stop for a quick sex, ten times in twelve minutes, Jeff came home to show off his new latin, dimpled, donkey dicked new toy. Mario introduced himself, “I am Mario Ross. Nice to meet you guys.” Jeff smiled somewhat uncomfortably, still high on the incredible pheromones.
Mario Ross? Uh oh… this could get ugly. Mario Ross pulled out a gun and threatened anyone who imposed on the new relationship. “The bald man is mine, BITCHES! Well, unless he wants to bring one of you into our relationship. That’s fine with me as long as my lil Tekkie is happy and I can remain in his presence.” The group exchanged glances. Was it not only the winner who received their wish? Jeff immediately gave his close friends $200,000 each.
About two hours of Mario’s head on his should began to promote fatigue, it suddenly hit Jeff… Do I really want this? He undoubtedly would do anything Jeff told him. Mario would accept whatever was given to him at the expense of his own well being. To him, being around his man was enough. Jeff didn’t want that power. He pleaded to the Bitchdoctor to amend his wish to no avail. “Your wish was short-sighted and not a reflection of what you truly want. I can only grant one wish. Sorry, you must live with your desire.” Two months later, Mario Ross was found dead in a South Beach condo with shrines of his love Jeff Race laying beside him, wearing women‘s lingerie. Jeff had found the love of his life, a 45 year old, wrinkled, cantankerous local manager of an IT company. Mario was unable to grasp how such mediocrity could win out over his cheek and ass dimples. Mario committed suicide. Jeff never could forgive himself, and became a violently abusive alcoholic. He thought all he wanted was a younger person to guide through life and fuel his own ego, but really, he wanted someone to challenge him and know him for who he is--an equal.
While the weather outside was frightful, the ongoing insanity inside Ish’s brain was downright terrifying. As he sat describing the torturous antics and maniacal pleasure of his biggest dreams in life, the group gazed into each other’s eyes. This had to stop. While he was caught up gazing at cocks on the computer screen, the group devised a plan. We hung Ish upside down, forced his eyelids open to see videos replaying his frequent, tragic losses at Scrabble, and then began to saw him apart down the middle, starting at the crotch. A glimmer of hope arose as Christina Aguilera appeared on the screen singing “Candy Man”, holding an echidna and wearing a fabulous Dolce & Gabana outfit. We pull the saw away, begin to untie his arms and offer safety in exchange for a change in his evil ways. Ish, broken down and unable to have sex again, accepted this offer. The distraught soul received mercy. YEAH RIGHT! We switched the video to Devin screaming “LOOK IT UP ASSHOLE”, pulled out his intestines and began sawing again. Since he was hanging upside-down, the brain received a continuous blood supply in spite of severe bleeding. Meaning, this condemned soul remained alive and conscious until the saw severed the major blood vessels of his stomach. As he was crying and screaming bloody murder, we all failed to hold back ironical giggles. In his memory, we blew up his room and car with exploding clay. The world collectively sighed as it became a better and less evasive place.
The group refused to continue playing.
NO, these wishes are backfiring! No TNP!
The cold-hearted Bitchdoctor silenced them.
Continue playing or you will be swallowed whole by my vagina. She gently lifted up her skirt to reveal ferosh teeth, dripping with snatch juice.
The gays continued in order to avoid that monstrous vagina….
Chris always wanted to be a big shot in the entertainment business, being a huge fan of video games, music, TV and movies. Well, his wish finally came true as Falcon Studios approached him to be the lead in their new video game venture. Virtual gay sex is the porn of the future, they say. Chris saw opportunity in the market and designed, Dildo Dan, the first erotic gay game for the Wii. The way it works is simple, just slip one remote in the silicone cock encasing and another in a fleshlight-esque device, and enjoy a new electronic sexual stimulation resembling Guitar Hero. Four major buttons exist, the anus lips, prostate, balls and a speed sensor. Hit the right buttons for the character to orgasm. Go faster, the game progresses more quickly, but be careful not to blow your load too quickly! The idea seemed perfect. However, an error in constructing of the device ended up electrocuting several clients when they ejaculated, ruining the image of the company. This along with a gay porn version of Glee absolutely slaughtered his reputation, and Chris was demoted to the non-battery operated dildo division, stripping his hopes to progress in the entertainment industry. He ended up forming a side-show where he juggled his own flaming dildo product, completely losing any dignity he had left. How unfortunate.
It came down to two.
Who would win, and who would leave with nothing?
Justin, you are the weakest link… GOODBYE.
There was only one gay secure in himself to the point of having pictures of the singer Jewel hanging around his house. This delusional, diva minded individual always had a thing for that snaggle-toothed songstress. Upon his elimination, tears began to form and cascade down his cheek. He knew from watching the others that this was going to be hell. He’s always wondered what it would be like to have Jewel’s often commercially unsuccessful talent. All of the sudden, Justin began throwing up profusely. He vomited/dry heaved until losing about 40 lbs, then came the breasts, crooked nose and hideous teeth. Justin had transformed into Jewel, with quaint vocals just like his idol. Wow, he thought to himself, I am my own idol. Everything she’s experienced had been combined in his brain with his own experiences. He retained his memories of family, friends and love with a tragic homosexual. Too bad he lost his penis in the process. Justin really tried playing with his tits and vagina, but it was nothing compared to how he used to make love to his tragic bitch of a boyfriend (and god knows his boyfriend was not down with pussy). Justin made a few headlines by going to Nashville and Hollywood and behaving more like Britney Spears than Jewel. His/Her snatch was in every magazine, and an infamous sex tape where she screwed Brad Pitt with a strap-on showed up online. Spiraling out of control, attempting to get back some sense of control, she escaped in fashion, sewing new garments and selling very little. Drew Barrimore was said to detest the line, and all of Hollywood agreed. Justina Jewel had to resort to selling her garments to the Salvation Army as an exclusive line. It was later dropped in order to not tarnish the quality of clothing the Salvation Army brand liked to keep. Justin ended up sewing his vagina shut and pissing out of her ass.
Devin looked at Yippie with a curious eye. What did the bitchdoctor have in store for him? Would he actually get a wish without the unexpected ruining the whole thing?
Devin: Almighty Bitchdoctor, would you show me mercy? The dark arts have grown strong within you, my straight friend.
Bitch - My dear Gleba, I knew you would win, and I know by doing so you already fulfilled your dream of the evening. See, all the others let their egos get in the way of what their true wants are. I know you will be pure in your wish.
Gleba - I will.
Bitch - OK, ready?
3...
2.…
1.…..
SNATCH MAXIMI!
Suddenly, everyone behaved normal again. All the gender bending, love manipulating, killing, dildo flaming and monkey fucking finally came to rest. The TNP group was back to normal again, minus one thing. The Bitchdoctor couldn’t resist changing one slight thing in the group. Gleba no longer was gay… sorry boys.
Gleba and Bitch lived happily ever after.
Ranking
5. Jeff To have Mario Lopez fall in love with him.
4. Ish To kill tortuously, giving hope and abruptly taking it away.
3. Chris To be a multimedia entrepreneur.
2. Justin To know what it’s like to be Jewel.
1. Devin To win poker this week. (And next week too)
