The poker table won't let you come alone

I opened my eyes to find myself in a place that seemed dark and mysterious, unlike any place I had been before. My body ached (especially the ass part) as I took a seat at a poker table with 9 other people like myself. We all looked shocked to be there, and it seemed just too improbable for 10 people to have their lives all lead up to this moment, but here we were. What we were about to learn is that this was no ordinary poker game, and that control of the poker table for the rest of time would lie in the balance that night. Our entire lives had led us to this moment.

We had figured out that the stakes in this game were going to be high when we suffered our first casualty of the night. Boone's recklessness had paid off for him in the past, but at this poker table the dangerous throwing around of the chips led to a quick, hilarious demise. Off to the losers lounge!


The next victim of the poker table was new to the game, but despite some early success Kate's criminal past caught up to her. The poker table is a place for redemption but just couldn't forgive a rare female participant for murder. If only there were a way to get another chance... Off to the losers lounge!


The next sacrifice that the poker table demanded was John Locke, one of its most loyal believers. Despite insisting that we couldn't tell him what he couldn't do that crippled old man was sent away faster than he could fall eight stories. He may have thought it was his destiny to win this night but bad cards trump faith in the poker table every day. Off to the losers lounge!


The poker table offered Ana-Lucia a chance to prove that female cops are more than just a sassy attitude with a gun, but her run came up short after a quick, sudden shot to the chest. She made a great run, but at the end of the day the poker table is a power struggle amongst men, and the final six candidates to control the table all carried a third leg into battle. Off to the losers lounge!


The next candidate to be banished from the poker table was Michael, who spent too much time trying to find his kidnapped son instead of concentrating on winning. He tried to make up for some early struggles but finally the poker table had had enough and blew him up into a million pieces. Off to the losers lounge!


Next to be eliminated was Desmond, who had spent years at the poker table, always doing his task every time in the hope that it would get him towards his ultimate goal: control of the poker table. But destiny is a fickle bitch, so see you in another life brother, indeed. Off to the losers lounge!


Things got off to a promising start for Charlie, who quickly found a Virgin Mary statue full of quad-2s to give him some early momentum. Unfortunately he would have to break his addiction to big hands and would finally have to sacrifice himself to 4th place. Off to the losers lounge!


Things seemed destined for the Monster to use the forces of evil to win control of the poker table, but alas the forces of good prevailed. The Monster used his deceptive ways to shapeshift into a dancer, poker player, and cookie chef but his antics would only get him a third place finish. Off to the losers lounge with the other seven!


So control of the poker table came down to the final two candidates. Ben came into the final battle with a chip lead and a bounty point from strangling John Locke in a cheap hotel room. Using his conniving bluffs and raises had taken him far, but the hour became late and defeat seemed certain...

MEANWHILE, back in the losers lounge the 8 candidates that had been eliminated were growing more frustrated with the hand that destiny had dealt them. Suddenly a white flash of light took over the room and the losers had discovered that they were in a dark, empty house. Confused, they tried to figure out what had happened. Bags were packed throughout the house and after checking their phones to see what the date was they realized that they had GONE BACK IN TIME exactly one week to the time when everyone in the group was away from the poker table. An idea came across the group: they could change the past so that the results of the game that was taking place would be forgotten and a new game could start anew next week, giving them all a second chance at control of the poker table. The Monster went back to its bedroom/bomb-making facility and emerged with a hydrogen bomb. "This snatch should do the trick," he told the group. He shifted his shape into an attractive blonde woman, knowing that that was the best way to go unnoticed among this group, and went in to destroy the poker room...

BACK AT THE POKER TABLE IN THE PRESENT DAY...

Finally after a long fight against nine other candidates, Jack finally fulfilled his destiny as ruler of the poker table. He struggled finding faith in the table early on, but after realizing that it was meant to be he accepted his role and realized that this was his life's purpose: to win this poker game.

FLASHBACK TO THE MONSTER IN THE PAST...
After sneaking into the poker room to destroy it, the Monster, still disguised as some blonde hussy, was getting ready to detonate the hydrogen bomb to reset the game. She tripped and fell, gravely wounding herself and failing to set off the bomb. Just when it seemed that Jack was going to win, she mustered her final ounce of strength:


The story resumes with the same group sitting around the same table next week, having the game of ultimate destiny reset by the power of the human spirit.

10. Dustin (Boone) - 2 points
9. Yippie (Kate) - 4 points
8. Jeff (John Locke) - 6 points
7. Lisa (Ana-Lucia) - 8 points
6. Bobby (Michael) - 10 points
5. Chris (Desmond) - 12 points
4. Justin (Charlie) - 16 points (bonus for quad-2s)
3. Ismael (Monster) - 16 points
2. Devin (Ben) - 22 points (bonus for Jeff's bounty point)
1. Adam (Jack) - 24 points

"Last week most of us were strangers, but we're all here now. And god knows how long we're going to be here. But if we can't live together, we're going to die alone."

DALLAS

Southfork Ranch will never be the same. After the last board meeting at Ewing Oil, it was decided to settle, once and for all, who would head Ewing Oil and Southfork Ranch. The entire family, even Cliff Barnes, were told to prepare to end the feud and settle the conflict with a game of poker.



With the stakes as high at they were, everyone who had an interest in Southfork was there, including the ranch manager Ray Krebbs, whose poor play sent him back to the barn, where he and Lucy Ewing had made love on more than one occasion.


Once the darling of the Ewing clan, Bobby Ewing, youngest son, has had a run of back luck with no end in sight. He hopes to end his losing streak soon.


J.R. Ewing. Conniving, backstabbing, womanizing heir apparent of the Ewing empire, even with his impressive victories over the past few months, could do no better than third place this night.


Miss Ellie Ewing, matriarch of the Ewing clan and the only one who strikes fear in the heart of Jock Ewing, managed to last longer than 2 of her sons, but had to leave the table when things got rough.


Arch rival of the Ewing clan, Cliff Barnes, representing his sister Pamela Barnes-Ewing, was soon ousted from the game when his underhanded efforts to cheat were discovered.


Fast and easy, Lucy Ewing will use her charm and good looks to get anything she wants. And it usually works, except for tonight, for not even the tramp could do better than 4th place.


Always with an eye on the Ewing ranch and Miss Ellie, Clayton Farlowe was next to be eliminated, even though his performance from previous weeks insures his return to the heads up table!


Flying in from California, middle son Gary Ewing, seldom seen at Southfork, made a rare appearance and almost won it all. Could this portend things to come?


Finally, the last man standing and never in doubt patriarch of the Ewing family, Jock Ewing continues his reign as head of Ewing Oil and Southfork Ranch. Others will come and go but Jock will always be around.

And so it ended, as it should. But there's always next week and who knows what will be found inside the walls of Southfork Ranch.


CAST:

9 Ray Krebbs (Devin) 2 pts
8 Bobby Ewing (Bobby) 4 pts
7 J.R. Ewing (Ish) 6 pts
6 Miss Ellie Ewing (Lisa) 8 pts
5 Cliff Barnes (Chris) 10 pts
4 Lucy Ewing (Dustin) 12 pts
3 Clayton Farlow (Justin) 16 pts (including 1 bonus point for quad 10s)
2 Gary Ewing (Adam) 18 pts
1 Jock Ewing (Jeff) 24 pts (including 1 bonus point for Ish' bounty point)

And may the best women WIN!

Our president and first lady cordially invite you all to an evening filled with a lovely bunch of coconuts and plenty of manbutter to go around! A tornado of wigs and makeup consumed the dressing room as the divas prepared their high class drag. As the ladies tucked away, Santino and Merle Ginsberg took their places next to Ru Paul. A special invite was given to a guest that knows a thing or two about bad hair and cheap make up. Who other than the always awkward and repulsive Carrot Top to round out the evening. Now with all whores accounted for, let's waste no time and get the drag race started!


Our first doll up to try and impress the judges was the gorgeous Tatianna. Feeling threatened by her beauty, the rest of the queens got together and sabotaged her runway. As she strutted her assets, Tyra jealously distracted the judges and the girls stabbed her in the back! Literally! Sadly the injured diva collapsed and had to make an early exit.


The next doll to work it was the outspoken and horse-voiced Raven. She brought confidence to the stage, but as the show continue; her confidence turned into an obnoxious mess. As she attempted to do a handstand, her tuck loosened and a possum was spotted in the woods. Disgusted by her attitude and repetitious moves, the judges appropriately asked her to sashay away!


Our third doll to bring her A-game also brought along a 2 piece and a biscuit. Donning an ill-fitting outfit, Mystique Summers Madison wobbled onto the stage. As she moved in sections toward the judges, grease began to cloud her vision and she tried to recover by doing yet another round of unimpressive and raggedy splits. She fortunately missed the stage, crashed through the floor and was never heard from again.


The next doll to try her hand sported hooker heels and make up only a trucker could match. Why miss Pandora Boxx of course! Working the stage for all she's worth! (Probably not that much judging from the outfit). To everybody's surprise, Carrot Top made a mad dash at the stage and ran off with miss Pandora!?


Our fifth doll to walk onto the stage was the pretty (but still man sounding), miss Tyra Sanchez. She tried to pull off a one-piece bathing suit, but her hot glue gun marks were ugly and evident. Her sorry excuse of an outfit not only was accentuating her hips, it had stains all over it! Clearly this was one dirty Sanchez that nobody liked, so the judges told the overconfident hussy to sashay away!


The next doll pounced onto the stage and immediately began serving the judges some Asian cousine! Is that Lil Kim-Chi? No, it's the beautiful Jujubee! She gave everybody a generous portion of Fish! And no, it wasn't trout. The judges were pleased with their meal, but Santino wanted more! He demanded a date with miss Jujubee in order for her to advance, but she wasn't having it. As she stormed off the stage, she shouted, "Fuck what ya heard!"


Our seventh doll came prepared with a trashy ensemble and frightful over-bite. At first she was confused with a drunk stripper, but it was actually miss Morgan McMichaels. Even before she could strut her stuff, Merle excused herself as she couldn't handle the UGLY anymore! In fact, everybody started to become nauseous; so she was quickly asked to not only sashay away, but to just flat out get the HELL out!


The final doll up to impress the judges bestowed grace, beauty, and a refreshing personality. She brought face! She brought glamour! Who else but the always dazzling and sensual miss Jessica Wild! All snatches puckered from jealousy and the judges stood up and unanimously cheered the fierce Latina on! Smashing the competition, miss Wild was crowned the next drag superstar and the audience found themselves saying...Bebe who?



Our race has come to the finish line and nobody left empty handed. Cans of extra GREASY shortening were awarded to all so that no snatch would ever go crusty again! Also in the audience cheering the girls on were Shangela, Sonique, Sahara Davenport, and Nicole Paige Brooks!






8. Tatianna (Bobby) 1
7. Raven (Jeff) 2
6. Mystique Summers Madison (Dustin) 3
5. Pandora Boxx (Chris) 4
4. Tyra Sanchez (Lisa) 5
3. Jujubee (Devin) 6
2. Morgan McMichaels (Justin) 9 (Including Chris's bounty point)
1. Jessica Wild (Ish) 10

Put some crisp in your COCK-A-DODLE-DOO! Until next we meet, may all your cards be live and your pots be monsters!

X 2

Time for another double points night since on Thursday, March 18th there will be no TNP. Look for some polls too.

Glee

From the Diary of Sue Sylvester

It has come to my attention that the best and most effective way of ridding myself and this school of the freakish sub-basement losers that make up the joke that is glee club is to make each loser battle it out in a sing off for a spot during Sue's Corner. So as co-director I am holding a no holds barred winner takes the spot audition where I will decide which of these so called performers will appear during my top rated segment on the nightly news on WOHN News 8.

First up is one of my Cheerios, Brittany. While performing a rendition of "I Touch Myself" she apparently realized what the song is about and couldn't stop giggling. As one of my favorite Cheerios due to the fact that she will do whatever I tell her, I was disappointed with her poor showing. Just goes to show that you can't get light from a burned out bulb.



Next is that freak of a captain Rachel Berry. I thought it would be harder to get her to quit the audition, since its almost impossible to make her shut up for more than 2 minutes, but all I had to tell her was there was an audition for a local cabaret bar for a headliner. What I didn't tell her was that its a drag cabaret, but I doubt even those queens will be able to tell the difference.



Finn Hudson. What can I say about this guy. Well apparently both glee club and our joke of a football team feel they can't win without him. I find that a little hard to believe since neither can win with him. He's the first one of them to blur the lines of the high school caste system only to fall from the penthouse down to where he belongs with the rest of those outcasts. His audition was going as well as it could, then he started to freak out when the mailman came in to drop of his deliveries. I must discover what is behind this mail phobia.



Ah Sandy Ryerson. I don't know how he got through security since he's not allowed within 50 feet of children and Josh Grobin. Must of been his less than convincing disguise as the other Asian. I decided to let him audition anyway in hopes that he might try to touch one of the male students thus causing them mental pain and suffering.



Next on the audition list is Mercedes. It seems like no matter what the occasion she always dresses like a clown rejected at the circus. Other than that observant factoid I really have no idea what this girl is about other than she thinks she's the next coming of Beyonce.



Ah, the gay kid Kurt Hummel. I have never seen anyone take that much time with their hair. I take that back, I'm sure Will Schuester takes far longer than that to do his home perm. Back to the gay kid, I warned everyone in the studio to keep all flammable materials at least 10 yards away from him at all times. I wouldn't want the little flamer catching anything on fire and burning down the studio.



I can't figure out why the next name on my list didn't show, Artie Abrams. I know it must be difficult to get around while in a wheelchair, but I thought putting him towards the end of the audition time period he would be able to pull himself up the stairs into the studio. Totally Unacceptable.



Quinn Fabray. Ex member and captain of the Cheerios. Now a knocked up second rate glee club member. I couldn't wish for a better fate for such a disappointment. She'll always be second best now that I no longer want her on my team of winners. Second best after Rachel in glee, second best after Rachel for her own boyfriends affections, second best for her baby's daddy after Santana, and what do you know she's second best here as well.



And now for the winner, and I use that term loosely, Noah Puckerman. I don't know how he has retained most of his former glory after joining glee club, especially with that mohawk. I decided he was the least offensive member of glee club and the station manager told me how his wife raves about his pool cleaning service so I gave him the shot to stand in my presence during Sue's Corner.




Here's the breakdown of the points I gave each of them.
Brittany (Giordan)- 1
Rachel (Bobby)- 2
Finn (Justin)- 3
Sandy Ryerson (Jeff)- 4
Mercedes (Mark)- 5
Kurt (Ish)- 6
Artie (Adam)- 7
Quinn (Devin)- 10
Puck (Chris)- 11

YOU THINK THIS IS HARD! TRY PLAYING POKER WITH THESE FREAKS EVERY THURSDAY, NOW THAT'S HARD!

Until next time that's how Sue "C's" it.