It has come to my attention that the best and most effective way of ridding myself and this school of the freakish sub-basement losers that make up the joke that is glee club is to make each loser battle it out in a sing off for a spot during Sue's Corner. So as co-director I am holding a no holds barred winner takes the spot audition where I will decide which of these so called performers will appear during my top rated segment on the nightly news on WOHN News 8.
First up is one of my Cheerios, Brittany. While performing a rendition of "I Touch Myself" she apparently realized what the song is about and couldn't stop giggling. As one of my favorite Cheerios due to the fact that she will do whatever I tell her, I was disappointed with her poor showing. Just goes to show that you can't get light from a burned out bulb.
Next is that freak of a captain Rachel Berry. I thought it would be harder to get her to quit the audition, since its almost impossible to make her shut up for more than 2 minutes, but all I had to tell her was there was an audition for a local cabaret bar for a headliner. What I didn't tell her was that its a drag cabaret, but I doubt even those queens will be able to tell the difference.
Finn Hudson. What can I say about this guy. Well apparently both glee club and our joke of a football team feel they can't win without him. I find that a little hard to believe since neither can win with him. He's the first one of them to blur the lines of the high school caste system only to fall from the penthouse down to where he belongs with the rest of those outcasts. His audition was going as well as it could, then he started to freak out when the mailman came in to drop of his deliveries. I must discover what is behind this mail phobia.
Ah Sandy Ryerson. I don't know how he got through security since he's not allowed within 50 feet of children and Josh Grobin. Must of been his less than convincing disguise as the other Asian. I decided to let him audition anyway in hopes that he might try to touch one of the male students thus causing them mental pain and suffering.
Next on the audition list is Mercedes. It seems like no matter what the occasion she always dresses like a clown rejected at the circus. Other than that observant factoid I really have no idea what this girl is about other than she thinks she's the next coming of Beyonce.
Ah, the gay kid Kurt Hummel. I have never seen anyone take that much time with their hair. I take that back, I'm sure Will Schuester takes far longer than that to do his home perm. Back to the gay kid, I warned everyone in the studio to keep all flammable materials at least 10 yards away from him at all times. I wouldn't want the little flamer catching anything on fire and burning down the studio.
I can't figure out why the next name on my list didn't show, Artie Abrams. I know it must be difficult to get around while in a wheelchair, but I thought putting him towards the end of the audition time period he would be able to pull himself up the stairs into the studio. Totally Unacceptable.
Quinn Fabray. Ex member and captain of the Cheerios. Now a knocked up second rate glee club member. I couldn't wish for a better fate for such a disappointment. She'll always be second best now that I no longer want her on my team of winners. Second best after Rachel in glee, second best after Rachel for her own boyfriends affections, second best for her baby's daddy after Santana, and what do you know she's second best here as well.
And now for the winner, and I use that term loosely, Noah Puckerman. I don't know how he has retained most of his former glory after joining glee club, especially with that mohawk. I decided he was the least offensive member of glee club and the station manager told me how his wife raves about his pool cleaning service so I gave him the shot to stand in my presence during Sue's Corner.
Here's the breakdown of the points I gave each of them.
Brittany (Giordan)- 1
Rachel (Bobby)- 2
Finn (Justin)- 3
Sandy Ryerson (Jeff)- 4
Mercedes (Mark)- 5
Kurt (Ish)- 6
Artie (Adam)- 7
Quinn (Devin)- 10
Puck (Chris)- 11
YOU THINK THIS IS HARD! TRY PLAYING POKER WITH THESE FREAKS EVERY THURSDAY, NOW THAT'S HARD!
Until next time that's how Sue "C's" it.
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