And may the best women WIN!

Our president and first lady cordially invite you all to an evening filled with a lovely bunch of coconuts and plenty of manbutter to go around! A tornado of wigs and makeup consumed the dressing room as the divas prepared their high class drag. As the ladies tucked away, Santino and Merle Ginsberg took their places next to Ru Paul. A special invite was given to a guest that knows a thing or two about bad hair and cheap make up. Who other than the always awkward and repulsive Carrot Top to round out the evening. Now with all whores accounted for, let's waste no time and get the drag race started!


Our first doll up to try and impress the judges was the gorgeous Tatianna. Feeling threatened by her beauty, the rest of the queens got together and sabotaged her runway. As she strutted her assets, Tyra jealously distracted the judges and the girls stabbed her in the back! Literally! Sadly the injured diva collapsed and had to make an early exit.


The next doll to work it was the outspoken and horse-voiced Raven. She brought confidence to the stage, but as the show continue; her confidence turned into an obnoxious mess. As she attempted to do a handstand, her tuck loosened and a possum was spotted in the woods. Disgusted by her attitude and repetitious moves, the judges appropriately asked her to sashay away!


Our third doll to bring her A-game also brought along a 2 piece and a biscuit. Donning an ill-fitting outfit, Mystique Summers Madison wobbled onto the stage. As she moved in sections toward the judges, grease began to cloud her vision and she tried to recover by doing yet another round of unimpressive and raggedy splits. She fortunately missed the stage, crashed through the floor and was never heard from again.


The next doll to try her hand sported hooker heels and make up only a trucker could match. Why miss Pandora Boxx of course! Working the stage for all she's worth! (Probably not that much judging from the outfit). To everybody's surprise, Carrot Top made a mad dash at the stage and ran off with miss Pandora!?


Our fifth doll to walk onto the stage was the pretty (but still man sounding), miss Tyra Sanchez. She tried to pull off a one-piece bathing suit, but her hot glue gun marks were ugly and evident. Her sorry excuse of an outfit not only was accentuating her hips, it had stains all over it! Clearly this was one dirty Sanchez that nobody liked, so the judges told the overconfident hussy to sashay away!


The next doll pounced onto the stage and immediately began serving the judges some Asian cousine! Is that Lil Kim-Chi? No, it's the beautiful Jujubee! She gave everybody a generous portion of Fish! And no, it wasn't trout. The judges were pleased with their meal, but Santino wanted more! He demanded a date with miss Jujubee in order for her to advance, but she wasn't having it. As she stormed off the stage, she shouted, "Fuck what ya heard!"


Our seventh doll came prepared with a trashy ensemble and frightful over-bite. At first she was confused with a drunk stripper, but it was actually miss Morgan McMichaels. Even before she could strut her stuff, Merle excused herself as she couldn't handle the UGLY anymore! In fact, everybody started to become nauseous; so she was quickly asked to not only sashay away, but to just flat out get the HELL out!


The final doll up to impress the judges bestowed grace, beauty, and a refreshing personality. She brought face! She brought glamour! Who else but the always dazzling and sensual miss Jessica Wild! All snatches puckered from jealousy and the judges stood up and unanimously cheered the fierce Latina on! Smashing the competition, miss Wild was crowned the next drag superstar and the audience found themselves saying...Bebe who?



Our race has come to the finish line and nobody left empty handed. Cans of extra GREASY shortening were awarded to all so that no snatch would ever go crusty again! Also in the audience cheering the girls on were Shangela, Sonique, Sahara Davenport, and Nicole Paige Brooks!






8. Tatianna (Bobby) 1
7. Raven (Jeff) 2
6. Mystique Summers Madison (Dustin) 3
5. Pandora Boxx (Chris) 4
4. Tyra Sanchez (Lisa) 5
3. Jujubee (Devin) 6
2. Morgan McMichaels (Justin) 9 (Including Chris's bounty point)
1. Jessica Wild (Ish) 10

Put some crisp in your COCK-A-DODLE-DOO! Until next we meet, may all your cards be live and your pots be monsters!

X 2

Time for another double points night since on Thursday, March 18th there will be no TNP. Look for some polls too.

Glee

From the Diary of Sue Sylvester

It has come to my attention that the best and most effective way of ridding myself and this school of the freakish sub-basement losers that make up the joke that is glee club is to make each loser battle it out in a sing off for a spot during Sue's Corner. So as co-director I am holding a no holds barred winner takes the spot audition where I will decide which of these so called performers will appear during my top rated segment on the nightly news on WOHN News 8.

First up is one of my Cheerios, Brittany. While performing a rendition of "I Touch Myself" she apparently realized what the song is about and couldn't stop giggling. As one of my favorite Cheerios due to the fact that she will do whatever I tell her, I was disappointed with her poor showing. Just goes to show that you can't get light from a burned out bulb.



Next is that freak of a captain Rachel Berry. I thought it would be harder to get her to quit the audition, since its almost impossible to make her shut up for more than 2 minutes, but all I had to tell her was there was an audition for a local cabaret bar for a headliner. What I didn't tell her was that its a drag cabaret, but I doubt even those queens will be able to tell the difference.



Finn Hudson. What can I say about this guy. Well apparently both glee club and our joke of a football team feel they can't win without him. I find that a little hard to believe since neither can win with him. He's the first one of them to blur the lines of the high school caste system only to fall from the penthouse down to where he belongs with the rest of those outcasts. His audition was going as well as it could, then he started to freak out when the mailman came in to drop of his deliveries. I must discover what is behind this mail phobia.



Ah Sandy Ryerson. I don't know how he got through security since he's not allowed within 50 feet of children and Josh Grobin. Must of been his less than convincing disguise as the other Asian. I decided to let him audition anyway in hopes that he might try to touch one of the male students thus causing them mental pain and suffering.



Next on the audition list is Mercedes. It seems like no matter what the occasion she always dresses like a clown rejected at the circus. Other than that observant factoid I really have no idea what this girl is about other than she thinks she's the next coming of Beyonce.



Ah, the gay kid Kurt Hummel. I have never seen anyone take that much time with their hair. I take that back, I'm sure Will Schuester takes far longer than that to do his home perm. Back to the gay kid, I warned everyone in the studio to keep all flammable materials at least 10 yards away from him at all times. I wouldn't want the little flamer catching anything on fire and burning down the studio.



I can't figure out why the next name on my list didn't show, Artie Abrams. I know it must be difficult to get around while in a wheelchair, but I thought putting him towards the end of the audition time period he would be able to pull himself up the stairs into the studio. Totally Unacceptable.



Quinn Fabray. Ex member and captain of the Cheerios. Now a knocked up second rate glee club member. I couldn't wish for a better fate for such a disappointment. She'll always be second best now that I no longer want her on my team of winners. Second best after Rachel in glee, second best after Rachel for her own boyfriends affections, second best for her baby's daddy after Santana, and what do you know she's second best here as well.



And now for the winner, and I use that term loosely, Noah Puckerman. I don't know how he has retained most of his former glory after joining glee club, especially with that mohawk. I decided he was the least offensive member of glee club and the station manager told me how his wife raves about his pool cleaning service so I gave him the shot to stand in my presence during Sue's Corner.




Here's the breakdown of the points I gave each of them.
Brittany (Giordan)- 1
Rachel (Bobby)- 2
Finn (Justin)- 3
Sandy Ryerson (Jeff)- 4
Mercedes (Mark)- 5
Kurt (Ish)- 6
Artie (Adam)- 7
Quinn (Devin)- 10
Puck (Chris)- 11

YOU THINK THIS IS HARD! TRY PLAYING POKER WITH THESE FREAKS EVERY THURSDAY, NOW THAT'S HARD!

Until next time that's how Sue "C's" it.

The Tudors

Wars and rumors of war, political intrigue and manipulation, passions unbounded and a struggle for power the likes of which have not been seen in centuries. Thus the stage is set in the court of King Henry the VIII. Setting aside their blood lust and penchant for violence, it has been decided a game of chance will determine who shall reign as king of England once and for all.


Yissell


It is a time of royalty and chivalry, the caste system enslaving one in perpetual servitude, save for a select few born into privilege or for an even fewer, those who could catch the eye of the king. Conspicuous by her absence, Queen Katharine of Aragon has been sent from court to visit her nephew, the Emperor of Spain. It is rumored that during her absence, Henry enjoys the company of others. Regal, elegant, Katharine is devoted to her king nevertheless, but more so to the church she has given her life to.

Devin

Acquiescing to King Henry’s plea, none other than the pope himself, Pope Paul III has traveled from Rome to settle his differences with Henry in a game of chance. Previously and with wanton pride, Pope Paul has flaunted his power and influence over Europe but has failed to impress or hold influence over Henry. To his dismay, he is ousted first from the game and unceremoniously sent packing back to Rome. The disgrace and dishonor he suffers at the table will long be remembered and it is rumored his papacy is in jeopardy.

Adam

Called to bear witness to these events and invited to partake by the pope, King Francis I of France has made a rare appearance in King Henry’s court. Once bitter enemies, the new alliance between France and England played against the plot Pope Paul devised behind Henry’s back. Calling on Francis to denounce Henry and invade England, Francis acquiesced to Henry’s overtures and turned on the Pope. A welcome sight in court, King Francis has been long missed and Henry hopes he will return again soon.

Ish

Cardinal Wolsey. Even spitting the name out leaves a bitter taste on the palate. His conniving has left the English realm on the brink of collapse. On the surface he is the representative of the pope in England. But it is rumored he in fact influences the pope and secretly conspires with King Francis of France to overthrow Henry and establish a puppet government ruled ostensibly by Queen Katharine but in actuality by Wolsey himself. His recent exploits, however, have exposed him for the fraud he is and his waning power insured his defeat last night.

Justin


Humble servant yet fierce defender of the faith, once a close friend of King Henry, Thomas More proved yet again when it comes to maintaining his honor and dignity he has no qualms crossing swords with even a king. His station and respect are yet held in high regard by Henry and Thomas still enjoys all the privileges that come from being a member if the king’s inner circle.

Chris

Thomas Boleyn, 1st Earl of Wiltshire, appears to be a quiet yet influential Lord in King Henry’s court. Beneath the surface, however, lies an ambitious, cunning adversary who longs for the day when he can take the crown, by hook or by crook, and either sit upon the throne himself or have his offspring do so. It is said beware the man who silently smiles while chaos abounds. Thus it was when Henry had to reduce the Earl to peasant during the final hands of poker.

Jeff

King Henry the VIII, monarch of England, beloved ruler of all he surveys, has once again re-established rule, bringing order, elegance, grace, charm and all that is worthy back into his court. Far too long he has let the young rabbles run roughshod throughout his kingdom. No more! Poker blogs of such low brow, including acts of lasciviousness, reducing people to animals, dogs to be thrown into a pyre, will no longer be tolerated. A return to civility, honor, courtesy and dignity will now be the standing order in Henry’s court. Long live the king!

Bobby

Arriving not a moment too soon, Charles Brandon, 1st Duke of Suffolk, close confidant and ally of the king, assumed the role of mediator and dealer for the final round. Was it his skill that insured the king’s victory in battle? While it my never be known, what is apparent is the king’s gratitude, whether Charles manipulated the outcome or not, for his loyal service and devoted allegiance to the realm.


Thus it went, on a Thursday night, in the year of our lord two thousand and ten. When next we meet, on yet another battleground, we beseech thee oh Lord, grant thy humble servant, King Henry, victory over his oppressors. Allow thy might to flow through him, using him to smite his enemies and all those who oppose righteousness, purity, honor and chivalry. We pray thee, creator of the universe, spare our beloved King and keep him from harm, granting him success as he slays those who would overthrow his rightful place as king. If it pleases thee, show mercy to his majesty and keep him henceforth and ever more ruler of all he surveys.

Let the scribes record:

6. Devin 1
5. Adam 3 (including 1 bonus point for quad kings)
4. Ish 3
3. Justin 7 (Including Devin's 2 bounty points and quad 10s)
2. Chris 7 (Indluding a bonus point for quad jacks)
1. Jeff 8

A return to sanity

Thankfully, I've wrested control of the poker blog back from the clutches of insane youngsters. Look forward to an elegant, sophisticated report of tonight's poker action.

Bitches Unite!

After the exceptionally lengthy (... mmmmmm, lengthy...) tragedy of a poker blog last week, the BitchDoctor got mad for referencing her saggy ass and cow udders. Good thing I didn't mention her loose vagina! She turned us into the bitches we are...

Giordan


Jeff


Chris


Ish


Justin


Bobby


Devin


The End.


7. Giordan (1)
6. Jeff (2)
5. Chris (3)
4. Ish (4)
3. Justin (5)
2. Bobby (7)
1. Devin (13)

The Poker Night Of Your Dreams!

Cum one, cum all, to the poker extravaganza of epic proportions where the most vivid and wildest dreams cum true.

The cold, wintery night on the plains of West Texas began as a group of pathetic panhandlers embarked on a begging spree for cock. They were on gay.com, Manhunt, Adam4Adam, MySpace, Fuckbook, MSN, Yahoo!, The AARP Hookup, and, of course, Hamster Chat questing for nude men with meat curtains able to be tenderized (and at least semi-erect schlongs). These unscrupulous, filthy, swine bitches even hovered around a screensaver to fulfill their animalistic thirst for “zee cawk“. A new image every thirty seconds was all they needed to sustain a functional level of living. While searching, Jeff received a message on his Adam4Adam account saying, “Your dreams will come true tonight. See you in five.” The group looked at Jeff and gave him high fives, because the picture revealed it was an 18 year old with a 12” cock and face resembling Mario Lopez. Jeff got his best pair of unlicked boots on and perked up as the group finally severed themselves from the computer hookup line. Chris switched from the computer to his iPhone to fill his insatiable appetite. Mesmerized with the fat sausage on his screen, a text message suddenly appeared from an anonymous number… “This is your night, stud.” Devin and Ish received a private chat while on Webcam, this time not asking to be sexual with each other. “Fifty stars to you… See you in a min.” One by one, each member of TNP received peculiar messages… What had happened? All hookup resources in a 600 mile radius had been dried and depleted by at least one member of the group long, long ago. Did they suddenly “bring sexy back?” No, no… All answers would soon be revealed.

Tap, tap, tap…
All eyes turned toward the magnet encrusted front door.

Jeff’s palms were sweaty, could this be the hookup of a lifetime?

No. No… even better.

The door swung open, revealing a beautiful woman with utters for tits and a saggy ass.

YIPPIE!



“I AM THE BITCHDOCTOR!” said the fierce snatch. She explained with a sinister look in her eyes that tonight’s TNP would be a little bit different… Every queer must make a wish, and the winning slut will receive their dream.

Could it be? Our very own fag hag was holding out mystic capabilities?

Well, she explained that after reading Harry Potter and experiencing magical Asian sex, she decided to develop skills in the dark arts. Tonight would be the night she revealed once and for all the almighty power of the snatch to her gay comrades. Let’s see what happens when their biggest dream is on the line…

Jeff always craved the simple life, a man to love next to him, 2.5 dogs, and a nice lump sum from the Texas lotto. Upon his tragic first elimination, Jeff’s phone rang. “This is Mario Lopez, I’ve seen your Myspace, and I want you so badly. After I’ve gained all this money playing the lottery, I bought 2.5 dogs. But, what I really need is a distinguished man to love and be my father figure. I am at the Rick Husband Amarillo Airport, waiting for you.” Jeff’s jaw dropped lower than when he deep-throats nude young men. He stood up, changed his soiled pants, and drove in a frenzy to the airport without even saying goodbye. After stopping at a rest stop for a quick sex, ten times in twelve minutes, Jeff came home to show off his new latin, dimpled, donkey dicked new toy. Mario introduced himself, “I am Mario Ross. Nice to meet you guys.” Jeff smiled somewhat uncomfortably, still high on the incredible pheromones.
Mario Ross? Uh oh… this could get ugly. Mario Ross pulled out a gun and threatened anyone who imposed on the new relationship. “The bald man is mine, BITCHES! Well, unless he wants to bring one of you into our relationship. That’s fine with me as long as my lil Tekkie is happy and I can remain in his presence.” The group exchanged glances. Was it not only the winner who received their wish? Jeff immediately gave his close friends $200,000 each.
About two hours of Mario’s head on his should began to promote fatigue, it suddenly hit Jeff… Do I really want this? He undoubtedly would do anything Jeff told him. Mario would accept whatever was given to him at the expense of his own well being. To him, being around his man was enough. Jeff didn’t want that power. He pleaded to the Bitchdoctor to amend his wish to no avail. “Your wish was short-sighted and not a reflection of what you truly want. I can only grant one wish. Sorry, you must live with your desire.” Two months later, Mario Ross was found dead in a South Beach condo with shrines of his love Jeff Race laying beside him, wearing women‘s lingerie. Jeff had found the love of his life, a 45 year old, wrinkled, cantankerous local manager of an IT company. Mario was unable to grasp how such mediocrity could win out over his cheek and ass dimples. Mario committed suicide. Jeff never could forgive himself, and became a violently abusive alcoholic. He thought all he wanted was a younger person to guide through life and fuel his own ego, but really, he wanted someone to challenge him and know him for who he is--an equal.



While the weather outside was frightful, the ongoing insanity inside Ish’s brain was downright terrifying. As he sat describing the torturous antics and maniacal pleasure of his biggest dreams in life, the group gazed into each other’s eyes. This had to stop. While he was caught up gazing at cocks on the computer screen, the group devised a plan. We hung Ish upside down, forced his eyelids open to see videos replaying his frequent, tragic losses at Scrabble, and then began to saw him apart down the middle, starting at the crotch. A glimmer of hope arose as Christina Aguilera appeared on the screen singing “Candy Man”, holding an echidna and wearing a fabulous Dolce & Gabana outfit. We pull the saw away, begin to untie his arms and offer safety in exchange for a change in his evil ways. Ish, broken down and unable to have sex again, accepted this offer. The distraught soul received mercy. YEAH RIGHT! We switched the video to Devin screaming “LOOK IT UP ASSHOLE”, pulled out his intestines and began sawing again. Since he was hanging upside-down, the brain received a continuous blood supply in spite of severe bleeding. Meaning, this condemned soul remained alive and conscious until the saw severed the major blood vessels of his stomach. As he was crying and screaming bloody murder, we all failed to hold back ironical giggles. In his memory, we blew up his room and car with exploding clay. The world collectively sighed as it became a better and less evasive place.



The group refused to continue playing.

NO, these wishes are backfiring! No TNP!

The cold-hearted Bitchdoctor silenced them.

Continue playing or you will be swallowed whole by my vagina. She gently lifted up her skirt to reveal ferosh teeth, dripping with snatch juice.

The gays continued in order to avoid that monstrous vagina….

Chris always wanted to be a big shot in the entertainment business, being a huge fan of video games, music, TV and movies. Well, his wish finally came true as Falcon Studios approached him to be the lead in their new video game venture. Virtual gay sex is the porn of the future, they say. Chris saw opportunity in the market and designed, Dildo Dan, the first erotic gay game for the Wii. The way it works is simple, just slip one remote in the silicone cock encasing and another in a fleshlight-esque device, and enjoy a new electronic sexual stimulation resembling Guitar Hero. Four major buttons exist, the anus lips, prostate, balls and a speed sensor. Hit the right buttons for the character to orgasm. Go faster, the game progresses more quickly, but be careful not to blow your load too quickly! The idea seemed perfect. However, an error in constructing of the device ended up electrocuting several clients when they ejaculated, ruining the image of the company. This along with a gay porn version of Glee absolutely slaughtered his reputation, and Chris was demoted to the non-battery operated dildo division, stripping his hopes to progress in the entertainment industry. He ended up forming a side-show where he juggled his own flaming dildo product, completely losing any dignity he had left. How unfortunate.



It came down to two.

Who would win, and who would leave with nothing?

Justin, you are the weakest link… GOODBYE.



There was only one gay secure in himself to the point of having pictures of the singer Jewel hanging around his house. This delusional, diva minded individual always had a thing for that snaggle-toothed songstress. Upon his elimination, tears began to form and cascade down his cheek. He knew from watching the others that this was going to be hell. He’s always wondered what it would be like to have Jewel’s often commercially unsuccessful talent. All of the sudden, Justin began throwing up profusely. He vomited/dry heaved until losing about 40 lbs, then came the breasts, crooked nose and hideous teeth. Justin had transformed into Jewel, with quaint vocals just like his idol. Wow, he thought to himself, I am my own idol. Everything she’s experienced had been combined in his brain with his own experiences. He retained his memories of family, friends and love with a tragic homosexual. Too bad he lost his penis in the process. Justin really tried playing with his tits and vagina, but it was nothing compared to how he used to make love to his tragic bitch of a boyfriend (and god knows his boyfriend was not down with pussy). Justin made a few headlines by going to Nashville and Hollywood and behaving more like Britney Spears than Jewel. His/Her snatch was in every magazine, and an infamous sex tape where she screwed Brad Pitt with a strap-on showed up online. Spiraling out of control, attempting to get back some sense of control, she escaped in fashion, sewing new garments and selling very little. Drew Barrimore was said to detest the line, and all of Hollywood agreed. Justina Jewel had to resort to selling her garments to the Salvation Army as an exclusive line. It was later dropped in order to not tarnish the quality of clothing the Salvation Army brand liked to keep. Justin ended up sewing his vagina shut and pissing out of her ass.




Devin looked at Yippie with a curious eye. What did the bitchdoctor have in store for him? Would he actually get a wish without the unexpected ruining the whole thing?

Devin: Almighty Bitchdoctor, would you show me mercy? The dark arts have grown strong within you, my straight friend.

Bitch - My dear Gleba, I knew you would win, and I know by doing so you already fulfilled your dream of the evening. See, all the others let their egos get in the way of what their true wants are. I know you will be pure in your wish.

Gleba - I will.

Bitch - OK, ready?

3...

2.…

1.…..

SNATCH MAXIMI!


Suddenly, everyone behaved normal again. All the gender bending, love manipulating, killing, dildo flaming and monkey fucking finally came to rest. The TNP group was back to normal again, minus one thing. The Bitchdoctor couldn’t resist changing one slight thing in the group. Gleba no longer was gay… sorry boys.


Gleba and Bitch lived happily ever after.




Ranking
5. Jeff To have Mario Lopez fall in love with him.
4. Ish To kill tortuously, giving hope and abruptly taking it away.
3. Chris To be a multimedia entrepreneur.
2. Justin To know what it’s like to be Jewel.
1. Devin To win poker this week. (And next week too)